Mama worries. She worries that she’s not enough. She knows she’s not alone in this because she has seen others ask the question and say “I am failing” or “I am not good enough”. I’m not sure yet when you’ll be able to understand this but one day when I think you can I will let you read this.
It is difficult to comprehend a mother’s love. It is a love so great it scares you to your core. You become paralysed by the fear that you’re not good enough. I know it sounds a bit silly and in some ways it is; I should be grateful just to have you in my life, but I believe that my fear of failing you shows that I recognise your worth. You mean so much to me and I want the best for you always. Sometimes I am definitely not the best; I am tired and grumpy and preoccupied with work or other things. You deserve better than that, but I am human and I make mistakes. Sometimes I worry about your development, it’s very difficult not to compare things that you do to what other children your age are doing; some are walking, some are talking more, but you are still so very young my love, I know you will do all these things in your own time. There is always a fear, however, that it is somehow my fault, that we’re somehow not helping you to achieve new things.
We are only a year and a half into this journey, Mia and I hope that I will be enough. I promise you faithfully that I will do my best, sometimes I will fall short, but I hope that you will always remember that Mama did her best. And please, if you ever feel that you’re less than perfect, remember that you are perfect to me.
You are enough. You are my absolute world, I adore you. All that I need from you is to know that you love me and I need you to make me feel safe. Yes, I need food and shelter and toys are nice, but just love and security is enough.
I don’t mind that sometimes you are tired or working, as long as you’re here with me that’s what makes me happy. I know that there are expectations about what I should be doing and when, but I am my own person and I must develop at my own pace. Becoming me is hard work and there is really not much that you’re not already doing to help me grow.
I wish Mamas wouldn’t say things like “I am failing” because if you love us and protect us, you are never failing in our eyes. Sometimes you will make mistakes, sometimes I will make mistakes, but we will learn and grow together. If you’re doing your best what more can I ask of you? And if you ever feel less than perfect, please remember that you are perfect to me.